Saturday, July 20, 2013

You Can't Wait till You're Enlightened...

There was this reference to ... what amounted to a bit of junk psychology, something about ... too much wine, can't even remember, like faking it syndrome. It really hit home... how much of my anxiety--physical anxiety, which is chronic and constant, comes from defying that. I want to make art... but to call myself an artist in my mind.. I feel like a fake. But I do it anyway. It took me FORTY YEARS to get to that point, and there's always blowback. Everything I do that means anything to me. Why I don't trust the New Age Feel Good shit... some things.. most things, are way more fucking imporant than feeling good! Especially when those ideas are assimilated from a culture that wants you to be good and obdient slaves. Do the right thing! Even when you wake up in a sweat, wondering what you've done, you'll STILL feel better than if you'd given in. There is no good life without risk... grave, grave risk. You're not going to be able to act if you wait till you're not afraid, like some mythical Buddah living in a cloud above it all. It's gonna hurt. But oh boy... that hurt is the ultimate reward if you got it right.

1 comment:

  1. This was posted about a week before my coming out. ... and sometimes, the pain is nothing less or more than a refusal to do what everything in your body and being has been pressing toward. The physical anxiety--the persistant sense of being a pretender... gone. I am at peace.